addiction

briefly in your peripheral you catch a glimpse,
you feel the presence, but its worthless to attempt,
to fully grasp or capture a full site,
just when u think you're on the cusp it takes flight,
gone into the night to lurk amongst the shadows,
to linger in your subconscience and leave your nerves unraveled,
some call it demons, others weakness, most call it fear,
you call it the part you hate about yourself the most,
and it leaves you sleep deprived with an arm full of tears,
uncontrollable a habit that refuses to be broken,
futile to resist as u plummet to the abyss,
causes u to use your face to bash your fists,
wishing you could return to those elapsed moments,
to be strong enough for once to defeat that opponent...

Untitled

Hi, my name is T but the ladies call me ugly,
Except for the one who interacts with me so cuddly,
Maybe its because she can see past my physical,
The inner me isn't spectacular but far from typical,
And people don't understand in her what I see,
Tattoos and piercings cover a body hella skinny,
Plus she's got problems, borderline crazy,
And I don't know why but that's my type of lady,
We balance eachother out, I'm quiet she screams and shouts,
I keep my composure while she's constantly stressin out,
But she's always there in my moments of weakness,
hold a barrel to my temple she won't let me complete this,
task sayin she'll kick my ass if I blast,
I'm at rock bottom but I've got to laugh,
The perfect compliment to the demons within me,
My halo totin angel always there to defend me...

Loved This Week

This week was a strange week for me, I dealt with two trainees, I've taken three finals, had a ride along from Cincinatti, and a day full of patients that reminded me of my mother...

The best part of my week had to be on Wednesday when I walked into Jamba Juice, ordered a regular Razzmataz with daily vitamin boost and cinnamon apple pretzel, told the lady behind the counter my name and she said "That is a beautiful name, truly beautiful. I Hope you have a wonderful day!" haha, that truly made my day, an excellent end to a frustrating shift.

In my company we basically work 10 and 24 hour shifts, and on Monday while working my 10, we had six patients, all were female, four reminded me of my mother, one reminded me of my aunty, and it was definitely hard not to shed a tear, especially when two of them cried in the back of the rig with me... The fourth patient reminded me of my aunt, I was the driver but I was tired of seeing my family members in these patients, I don't know what was going on with me, but I was feeling pretty down. So how did I turn it around? well, I didn't actually turn it arround, we ran into another rig after one of our calls, two of the better guys in the company were finishing up a call at the same hospital, and they didn't do anything special, they were just being their normal cheerful selves, and that was all I needed. It's amazing how the smallest things can make the biggest difference...

Oh yea, and it was EMS Week, we got breakfast, lunch, and dinner served to us throughout our shifts (yea, I like my company) and rootbeer floats on friday...

Hope everyone had a good week, especially everybody in my extended EMS family.

Be Safe, Have Fun, Live Life

where are you?

so this is your downfall? I thought you were supposed to be strong,
Ithought u were the light in the face of all wrong, what happened to your spirit?
did you give in to the pressures? you forgot the sun was behind all those clouds?
yes you did, you've let the bottom fall out, you're scraping your knuckles on rock bottom,
but what happened to rising above it? what happened to having nerves of steel?
is this going to be your downfall? when things get hard you turn to this madness and call it your "escape"? I remember when you never even thought about escaping, the idea of fleeing never crossed your mind. you were a FIGHTER. and you had big plans. but now it seems you have been broken, and everything you used to stand for has disappeared,
everything you used to fight against has turned into your fears,
what happened to you? I honestly do not know who are anymore.
I know nostalgia doesn't bring progress, but i miss the old you.

I wish you would come back...

Put Your Lights On

Carlos Santana is a legend, and I love this song, remind us to put our lights on...
So take heed,and put your lights on.

Every morning I thank the lord for another opportunity to improve.

What is wrong with people??

Whatever happened to a bit of respect, some common courtesy, and a little bit of intelligence?

the worst part for me

I'm not a bad person, I'm not mean, or evil, or an asshole, I'm just trying to keep myself together, on the right track, moving in the right direction, I haven't done a lot of things correctly in my life, but I've been making better decisions recently, never felt like I've belonged somewhere the way I feel I belong in this EMS field, on the job it's great, different people, different patients, different scenarios, different nurses, it's like fantasy, keeps my mind off the real world... maybe it's because I'm new, maybe I'll feel differently in a few months, but the worst part of the shift for me is the end, and I start thinking about the real world...