Negative Diaphoresis

addiction

2009-08-04T01:08:00.000-07:00

briefly in your peripheral you catch a glimpse,
you feel the presence, but its worthless to attempt,
to fully grasp or capture a full site,
just when u think you're on the cusp it takes flight,
gone into the night to lurk amongst the shadows,
to linger in your subconscience and leave your nerves unraveled,
some call it demons, others weakness, most call it fear,
you call it the part you hate about yourself the most,
and it leaves you sleep deprived with an arm full of tears,
uncontrollable a habit that refuses to be broken,
futile to resist as u plummet to the abyss,
causes u to use your face to bash your fists,
wishing you could return to those elapsed moments,
to be strong enough for once to defeat that opponent...

Untitled

2009-07-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is T but the ladies call me ugly,
Except for the one who interacts with me so cuddly,
Maybe its because she can see past my physical,
The inner me isn't spectacular but far from typical,
And people don't understand in her what I see,
Tattoos and piercings cover a body hella skinny,
Plus she's got problems, borderline crazy,
And I don't know why but that's my type of lady,
We balance eachother out, I'm quiet she screams and shouts,
I keep my composure while she's constantly stressin out,
But she's always there in my moments of weakness,
hold a barrel to my temple she won't let me complete this,
task sayin she'll kick my ass if I blast,
I'm at rock bottom but I've got to laugh,
The perfect compliment to the demons within me,
My halo totin angel always there to defend me...

Loved This Week

2009-05-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

This week was a strange week for me, I dealt with two trainees, I've taken three finals, had a ride along from Cincinatti, and a day full of patients that reminded me of my mother...

The best part of my week had to be on Wednesday when I walked into Jamba Juice, ordered a regular Razzmataz with daily vitamin boost and cinnamon apple pretzel, told the lady behind the counter my name and she said "That is a beautiful name, truly beautiful. I Hope you have a wonderful day!" haha, that truly made my day, an excellent end to a frustrating shift.

In my company we basically work 10 and 24 hour shifts, and on Monday while working my 10, we had six patients, all were female, four reminded me of my mother, one reminded me of my aunty, and it was definitely hard not to shed a tear, especially when two of them cried in the back of the rig with me... The fourth patient reminded me of my aunt, I was the driver but I was tired of seeing my family members in these patients, I don't know what was going on with me, but I was feeling pretty down. So how did I turn it around? well, I didn't actually turn it arround, we ran into another rig after one of our calls, two of the better guys in the company were finishing up a call at the same hospital, and they didn't do anything special, they were just being their normal cheerful selves, and that was all I needed. It's amazing how the smallest things can make the biggest difference...

Oh yea, and it was EMS Week, we got breakfast, lunch, and dinner served to us throughout our shifts (yea, I like my company) and rootbeer floats on friday...

Hope everyone had a good week, especially everybody in my extended EMS family.

Be Safe, Have Fun, Live Life

where are you?

2009-05-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

so this is your downfall? I thought you were supposed to be strong,
Ithought u were the light in the face of all wrong, what happened to your spirit?
did you give in to the pressures? you forgot the sun was behind all those clouds?
yes you did, you've let the bottom fall out, you're scraping your knuckles on rock bottom,
but what happened to rising above it? what happened to having nerves of steel?
is this going to be your downfall? when things get hard you turn to this madness and call it your "escape"? I remember when you never even thought about escaping, the idea of fleeing never crossed your mind. you were a FIGHTER. and you had big plans. but now it seems you have been broken, and everything you used to stand for has disappeared,
everything you used to fight against has turned into your fears,
what happened to you? I honestly do not know who are anymore.
I know nostalgia doesn't bring progress, but i miss the old you.

I wish you would come back...

Put Your Lights On

2009-04-01T00:30:00.000-07:00

Carlos Santana is a legend, and I love this song, remind us to put our lights on...
So take heed,and put your lights on.

Every morning I thank the lord for another opportunity to improve.

What is wrong with people??

2009-03-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to a bit of respect, some common courtesy, and a little bit of intelligence?

the worst part for me

2009-03-21T22:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not a bad person, I'm not mean, or evil, or an asshole, I'm just trying to keep myself together, on the right track, moving in the right direction, I haven't done a lot of things correctly in my life, but I've been making better decisions recently, never felt like I've belonged somewhere the way I feel I belong in this EMS field, on the job it's great, different people, different patients, different scenarios, different nurses, it's like fantasy, keeps my mind off the real world... maybe it's because I'm new, maybe I'll feel differently in a few months, but the worst part of the shift for me is the end, and I start thinking about the real world...

Be Smart

2009-03-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

Show up to the ER, patient in restraints yelling at all the staff, tugging on the restraints threatening to beat people down, I get the paperwork, noted in bold and circled on three different pages RESTRAINTS REQUIRED, his reason for being here is he fought with four security guards because he's off his meds, history of cocaine abuse and abusive behavior, there are fresh scars on his head, stitches where the officer hit him with the handcuffs, the nurse tells my partner "I don't know if you really need restraints to transport him", partner asks me "do you want to use restraints?" and I reply "YES, we are definitely using restraints."

Earlier that night two medics bring a 5150 patient to the psyche ward, instead of rolling him up to the doors strapped to the gurney they decide to walk him up, no straps, no restraints, just walk up like a regular person. Just outside the facility the patient beats both medics down and runs off, police weren't able to find him...

Sometimes

2009-03-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

"This world is strange, so strange it is, ya know it makes me hurt sometimes,
No matter how good you are to people you know, they'll make you cry sometimes."

Raphael Saadiq (Sometimes)

Wish I could be an angel... but I fall too much

2009-03-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

She told me I act "Weird and Negative" now, I told her that was cold and I don't see how, she came to that conclusion, she said she tries to include me in things but I reply with self exclusion, my reaction interprets that as a bit dramatic, I think I hurt her feelings when I decided not to go tagging along to subway to grab a bite to eat, but if I'm tired and not hungry please don't hold it against me, I concealed the fact that I was a bit sickly, thought I did the right thing but she misunderstood me, guess I can't be perfect every second of everyday, I think she's an angel but I'm rubbing her the wrong way, but it's no sweat, we'll work it out eventually, I'mma take her on some new adventures with me, every relationship has its valleys and peaks, from the simple frinedships to the loves that are deep, but this made me dwell on a bit of self reflection, I'm willing to change to find a better direction, I'm passionate about making all of my movements towards some sort of improvement with no exceptions, a bit of a perfectionist to a fault, make a mistake I come down on myself too hard for too long, but I'mma keep on singing my song, bcuz every night precedes the sunrise and life goes on, and for those times when I seem to hide my charm, realize I'm still the same person alive and warm, sometimes I might be wrong, I wish I could be everything to everybody, but I'm not that strong, wanna climb to the top of the tree but I fall too much, wanna confide in you but I find it hard to trust, I've got scars and stuff like everyone else, but holding everything inside is not good for my health, if you looked into my eyes you would see I have so much on my mind that I hide and hope you don't find, but I guess it's starting to boil over, I'm getting colder shoulders as I grow older, feelin like fallen angels needing someone to hold 'em, don't wanna be a burden but now it seems I'm heavy as boulders, not a troubled man, just have a troubled mind, but this too shall pass in due time...

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2009-02-26T21:56:00.000-08:00

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.

2009-02-14T14:45:00.000-08:00

My other blog disappeared, and I can't find it...

Emotion Sickness